How It All Began (or, Our Adoption, Part 1)

In honor of Carly’s first birthday (in three days!), I figured I’d finally share how she came into our lives.

It started in December ‘06 when we called an agency here to find out more about the whole adoption process. We initially wanted to go international — more on that later — but we weren’t sure; therefore, we made sure to get info on both international and domestic adoptions. We then went to an informational meeting at another agency to get some questions answered and find out what the whole process would entail. We, like most people, found out we had more questions after these two preliminary meetings than when we started. And as it was near the holiday season — Christmas and New Years — we waited to make any decisions until after the first of the year.

In January ‘07, we started our official home study! At this point, we were still undecided about domestic vs. international, but we were heavily leaning toward Guatemala, as I speak a fair amount of Spanish, and the time/cost ratio was pretty favorable.

Here’s what our home study entailed:

• Meeting with social worker as a couple
• Meeting with social worker as solos
• Tour and inspection of house
• Tour and inspection of bodies — yes, we had to meet with our respective doctors and get physicals & letters stating we were mentally & physically able to care for a child. We also had to have a nurse come and do a blood draw and take urine samples (isn’t it fun to pee in a cup?) for lab tests. At this point, we realized fucking around would have been easier and much more fun.
• State and federal background checks, including fingerprinting
• More meetings with social worker

Then we had to start taking classes. In our state, we needed 20 hours that included topics ranging from child development to issues in transracial families. Most of the classes were long and BORING. However, they did give us a chance to meet others who were enduring the same processes that we were; we all were searching for our children (and peeing in cups). Meeting with other potential adoptive parents on a monthly basis was the best part of the seminars.

During all this, we were also trying to choose an agency. This was terribly difficult because there are SO many out there. Really, it’s a daunting task, and I don’t know how people did it before the internet. Some things we learned really fast (in no particular order):

• Think twice about advertising if your state allows it, as it can bring out the crazies (read adoption forums for insights on this).
• Know the difference between agencies and facilitators (facilitators aren’t legal in our state)
• Don’t pay money up front to anyone before you truly question how desperate you are (you’re not). No one — NO ONE should ask you for thousands of dollars when the fine print says “maybe” there’s a birthmom out there for you. There are never guarantees, but most reputable agencies won’t ask for this kind of cash from you up front.
• Reading forums and blogs can make you feel better and crazy at the same time.
• Patience is truly a virtue that you’ll wish you had.
• Phone calls & emails can clear up your questions quickly.
• Learn the laws in your state and the state of your agency (if it’s different) BEFORE you make a decision to use them.
• Trust your instincts.

Getting back to the domestic vs. international debate we were having at home. There are a TON of myths about domestic adoption — note that I said MYTHS — and we started to learn about them. The more we learned, the more clear it became that maybe we did want an infant — a freshie straight from the hospital (or damn close to it). This was one of the reasons we had thought about Guatemala — we had been told we could have a child younger than one year (though most would be between 1 year and 18 months). I preferred younger. However, it soon became clear we wouldn’t have a choice in the matter after all. Due to a medical condition, I would not be able to adopt internationally. (Every country has its own requirements; basically, I didn’t meet them.) So, domestic it was! Sometimes, the universe just forces you to go down the path you’re supposed to.

Anyway, agencies. Domestic only. Lots and lots of agencies. We finally, through a thorough vetting of agencies from Utah to Michigan to Indiana to Texas to Washington (and pretty much everywhere in between), we settled on one in Florida. We wanted a non-religious agency — especially since I’m not religious, Dave’s Jewish, and many Christian agencies require statements from pastors and/or a commitment that the child will be raised in the traditions of the Church. We also wanted to work with people who really knew their stuff — best case scenario would be well-established with in-house legal. And, we wanted an agency that was small enough to be personal but large enough to have clients — both birthmothers and experience placing with families. Oh, and we wanted a semi-open or closed adoption. Ours was perfect for us.

Now, all we had to do was our profile. If you’re not a scrapbooker or a creative type of person, this will seem overwhelming. But it was really fun to put together a book of our lives together. Dave and I chose our favorite pictures, took nice photos of the house, wrote about our favorite things, and were basically ourselves. Then we packaged it all neat & pretty in photo albums and sent them to our agency — hoping that someone would look at us and deem us baby-worthy.

Stay tuned for Part 2…